Lifestyle

For those dipping their toes into the dating pool during lockdown, it’s been like swimming in a version of Netflix’s reality series “Love is Blind.”

In the show, contestants must get engaged before ever actually meeting one another in person. And while a lockdown engagement might be a bit extreme, it’s entirely possible that two people have grown to really like one another over the previous weeks and months.

Maybe it started with a match on a dating app, followed by flirting over text. Then came regularly scheduled Zoom dates. Perhaps they’ve even started envisioning a future together.

Now, as restrictions are being eased, some may have broached taking the next step: an in-person rendezvous.

What are the chances that their online connection will lead to true love?

In my book, “The Science of Kissing,” I describe how compatibility requires engaging all of our senses. And absent the touch, taste and smell of a potential partner, people dating online during quarantine have essentially been flying blind.

Muzzled neurotransmitters

Human attraction involves the influence of cues that evolved over millions of years.

On a traditional date in a restaurant or move theater, we actively gather details about someone by walking side by side, holding hands, hugging and – if things get far enough – kissing. These experiences send neural impulses between the brain and body, stimulating tiny chemical messengers that affect how we feel. When two people are a good match, hormones and neurotransmitters bring about the sensations we might describe as being on a natural high or experiencing the exhilaration of butterflies. Finding love isn’t rocket science – it’s anatomy, endocrinology and real chemistry.

One of the most important neurotransmitters involved in influencing our emotions is dopamine, responsible for craving and desire. This natural drug can be promoted through physical intimacy and leads to the addictive nature of a new relationship. Of course, dopamine is just one player in a chemical symphony that motivates behavior. Intimate encounters also promote the release of oxytocin, which creates a sense of attachment and affection, and epinephrine, which boosts our heart rate and reduces stress. There’s also a decrease in serotonin, which can lead to obsessive thoughts and feelings about the other person.

In fact, one study showed that people who report that they’ve just “fallen in love” have levels of serotonin similar to patients suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. This chemical cocktail can even lead to trouble sleeping or a loss of appetite – symptoms people often attribute to meeting “the one.”

Our noses also play a powerful role in who we fall for. The famous “sweaty t-shirt experiment” reported that a man’s natural scent may influence how women choose a partner. The women in the study nearly always expressed a preference for the odor of men who differed genetically from them in immune response to disease. Scientists theorize that selecting someone with genetic diversity in this region, called the major histocompatibility complex, could be important for producing children with flexible and versatile immune systems.

A kiss can make or break it

While a man’s natural scent may not be something women consciously notice early on in a heterosexual relationship, getting up close and personal can serve as a kind of litmus test for a couple.

A kiss puts two people nose to cheek, offering a reliable sample of smell and taste unrivaled by most other courtship rituals. Perhaps that’s one reason a 2007 University of Albany study reported that 59 percent of men and 66 percent of women have broken off a budding romance because of a bad first kiss.

Complicating matters, factors that typically grab our attention in person are less obvious to recognize in a witty profile or photo. Studies of online dating behavior reveal superficial features are correlated with the level of interest an individual receives.

For example, short-haired women do not tend to get as much attention from men as those with long, straight hair, while men who report a height of six-foot-three or six-foot-four fare better than their peers at interacting with women.

The initial focus on appearance promotes pairing based on characteristics that aren’t significant in lasting relationships, compared with more important factors for long-term compatibility, like intimacy and shared experiences.

Still, at a time when many of us are feeling more isolated than ever, online dating does offer some benefits. Quarantine has encouraged men and women to take additional time to learn about each other prior to meeting, sparing the anxiety of rushed physical intimacy.

For some couples, a real-world date will kindle the spark that began online. Many others will realize they’re better suited as friends.

SOURCE: iol

Dear you, what shall I call you today? In times past I have called you ‘lover’. There’s a time I called you my ‘smile-keeper’. Today, you have brought nothing but tears to my eyes. Not tears of joy, no! Tears of pain and agony. Tears of regret for ever loving you. Tears I cry for my children, I failed in choosing you for their father.

So, dear what shall I call you today? Certainly not lover, perhaps monster for that is all you have turned out to be. You, a man born of a woman, now beating a woman to a pulp. Have you no empathy? Can you not see how you are breaking me? Would you raise your hand to your own mother? A woman like me.

I’ve forgiven you way too many times. I wonder if I will end up like my sisters in the graveyard. They too wanted to live. They too wanted to have children, to have a family. They too forgave and forgave and now lie alone cold and lifeless. They probably screamed for help and no-one heard them. They probably pleaded to deaf and cruel ears. They too tried to touch heartless souls, in an attempt to live, but heartless souls can not be moved. It probably just started with a simple argument, but ended in tragedy. Perhaps I will end up like them. Breathing my last at the hands of the one who promised to love and protect me. Paying for sins I never committed. If indeed you are tired of me, why not let me leave in peace and not in pieces? My gross error was loving you. My ultimate crime was believing that you are capable of loving me too. Is this love? Raising your hand at me, taking away my dignity, stripping me off my self-esteem, is this love?

Perhaps I will be like my other sisters who bid the world farewell at the hands of stony-hearted, unfeeling strangers. Minding their own business but ending up raped and murdered. Have we committed a crime being born women? Giving birth to male children who tomorrow will rape and kill us. Would you kill and rape your own mother? Yet here we are, our lives being cut short by men, born of women. We are not safe even in our own homes. Can you show me a world with no men? Maybe I will migrate there. Are you not a father? Would you like your own sons to be murderers too? Would you celebrate if your own daughters are raped and killed too? Perhaps you are not a father now, do you not want to be one in future?

Sometimes relationships don’t work. Sometimes I may disrespect you but, do I deserve to be a punching bag? I might offend you when I walk, talk and laugh. My voice might be high-pitched, I can’t help it. I might rub you the wrong way, do I deserve to be murdered? Can women and men live in the same world without fighting and declaring war against each other?

See, I can not apologize for being a woman. My Maker saw it fit to create me thus. I ask you in the name of God, do not punish me for something I had no say over. I did not get to choose to be a woman. It was thrust upon me. All I want is to live my life. All I want is to enjoy this body that I was given. I can not apologize for having curves and a v* I can not apologize for my feminine features. I am a WOMAN, let me be!

So, what I call you today depends on how you treat me. I am to be loved and not abused.

Written by Constance van Niekerk

SOURCE: Opera News Hub

Until a few minutes ago, I had no idea that there is an International Widows Day. That’s quite amazing. Our churches and society at large have since forgotten about this group of women in our communities, widows.

In some traditional set-ups, as soon as a man dies, his widow is ostracized and treated as an outcast. Some in-laws grab whatever material wealth they can get their hands on and leave nothing for the upkeep of the children and spouse.

International Widows Day is a global awareness day that is commemorated annually on 23rd of June. The day was launched by the United Nations in 2010 to raise awareness of the violation of human rights that widows suffer after their spouses die.

Being a widow in most African homes is like a curse. After the death of the spouse, some women begin to suffer untold hardships. As if they’re being punished for having been married in the first place. Women find it difficult to mourn their deceased partners in peace as relatives of the deceased will be hovering around salvaging what they can from the home. It is quite sad, no-one has these women at heart.

The children that are left behind also need support and love. It is traumatizing to lose a parent, especially when you are a dependent. It is equally tough for a woman who had a partner to suddenly find herself having to raise her children on her own. Widows truly need support from the communities, close friends and family especially during this time of the covid-19 pandemic. Widows need to be remembered and cared for.

Come to think of it, do we have any grants for widows? Even something that has a time-frame. Would it not help the widows? Especially those whose partners were not formally employed. Just a thought. It’s time to commemorate this day, together with the international community. It’s time to remember these forgotten of our society, the widows. Every now and then, we all need to hear that everything will be okay, widows too. They need it more than most of us.

This day is next week on Tuesday, wouldn’t it be nice to do something for the widows in our midst?

Food for thought.

Article written by Constance van Niekerk

SOURCE: opera news hub

Infertility is stressful. In fact, research tells us that distress levels among individuals with infertility are comparable to those of cancer patients.

Rates of depression and anxiety are high, especially in women, who bear the greatest physical burden associated with fertility treatments: near-daily ultrasounds and self-injection of hormones, among other invasive and painful procedures.

As a clinical psychologist and researcher who specializes in women’s mental health, my focus has been on helping women with infertility cope with their condition.

In my work, it’s become clear that one huge source of stress is the barrage of unhelpful comments and suggestions made to individuals struggling with infertility. Supporting this idea, findings from our most recent study suggest that when women seek social support to cope with their infertility, they typically feel more, rather than less, distressed.

Clearly, some public education is needed. So, with the help of my team’s Infertility Research Advisory Panel — a group of six women who have personal experience with infertility — I’ve identified the following five things not to say to someone struggling with infertility.

1. Just relax and it will happen

This is by far the most highly cited zinger that people struggling with infertility hear but, in fact, there is a lack of clear evidence that stress contributes to infertility.

On the other hand, research is extremely clear in concluding that a diagnosis of infertility causes stress. So don’t assume that anxiety led to infertility — it’s likely the other way around. In the beginning, the person struggling to conceive likely felt excited and hopeful and it’s only as months (or years) crept by without a positive result that the stress you see now developed.

2. Have you tried standing on your head during sex? Cutting dairy? Etc, etc, etc.

Most of these old wives tales have no research backing them up whatsoever. Advice is also often doled out without any knowledge of the receiver’s situation.

Imagine you’ve been diagnosed with a medical condition that makes it very difficult to conceive; you’ve undergone three failed IVF cycles and have had multiple miscarriages. Now imagine how insulting and frustrating it would be to be told that if only you had cut out dairy, you would have been pregnant years ago.

If you don’t know the whole context, abstain from giving advice. And even if you do, let your loved one’s doctor decide what’s going to help them get pregnant.

3. Don’t worry; my friend so-and-so had infertility and IVF worked for them!

Infertility prognosis varies wildly according to a patient’s particular circumstances: their age, diagnosis, reproductive history and hormone levels are all strong predictors of treatment success. So, unfortunately, the fact that a friend of a friend of yours conceived through IVF (in vitro fertilization) means nothing for the person in front of you.

4. Are you sure you want kids? You can have mine!

Kids can be exhausting — feel free to vent about this to your other parent-friends. But when you’re with a friend struggling with infertility, be sensitive to the fact that they would give anything to have what you have. Though this is meant to be funny, it’s likely to be perceived as insensitive and ungrateful.

5. Maybe you should just adopt. There are lots of kids who need a good home.

There is no “just” adopt. Adoption can be incredibly expensive, time-consuming and emotionally draining. There may be a five- to 10-year waiting list, fees that can exceed hundreds of thousands and multiple evaluations of your fitness to be a parent. Needless to say, it’s a very big decision that requires careful consideration.

So what should you say?

Infertility involves grieving the existence of a child you may never have. So think of how you might interact with people experiencing other kinds of grief — for example, a friend whose spouse has died. You would never say: “I know you just lost your husband but just try to relax” or “You can have mine!” You would say: “This must be so hard for you” or “Anytime you need to talk, I’m here for you.”

You can also ask the person how you can be most helpful. Some people like to talk about their infertility struggles blow-by-blow; others would prefer to be distracted from them. So it can never hurt to ask how you can be most supportive.

One final “don’t” that applies to anyone is to ask: “When are you having children?” You may be surprised at how many people in your life have struggled with infertility but kept it secret. This seemingly innocent question can be a knife to the heart of someone secretly struggling with infertility, so don’t ask it.

SOURCE: iol

Tobacco use kills more than 8 million people each year. Most adult smokers start smoking before the age of 20. This implies that if one can get through adolescence without smoking, the likelihood of being a smoker in adulthood is greatly reduced.

Preventing young people from becoming addicted to tobacco and related products is therefore key to a smoke-free future.

With the advent of novel tobacco products and the tobacco industry falsely marketing them as less harmful than their combustible counterparts, the adage “prevention is better than cure” has never been more important for governments to heed if we are to achieve a smoke-free future.

Here are five things that governments need to do to ensure that a smoke-free future is realised.

1. Raise taxes on tobacco products

Tobacco taxation is one of the most effective population-based strategies for decreasing tobacco consumption. On average, a 10 percent increase in the price of cigarettes reduces demand for cigarettes by between 4% and 6% for the general adult population.

Because they lack disposable income and have a limited smoking history, young people are more responsive to price increases than their adult counterparts. Young people’s price responsiveness is also explained by the fact that they are also more likely to smoke if their peers smoke. This suggests that an increase in tobacco taxes also indirectly reduces youth smoking by decreasing smoking among their peers.

2. Introduce 100% smoke-free environments

Smoke-free policies reduce opportunities to smoke and erode societal acceptance of smoking. Most countries have some form of smoke-free policy in place. But there are still many public spaces where smoking happens. Many of these places are frequented by young people – or example, smoking sections in nightclubs and bars – contributing to the idea that smoking is acceptable and “normal”.

Research from the United States shows that creating smoke-free spaces reduces youth smoking uptake and the likelihood of youth progressing from experimental to established smokers. In the United Kingdom, smoke-free places have been linked to a reduction in regular smoking among teenagers, and research from Australia finds that smoke-free policies were directly related to a drop in youth smoking prevalence between 1990 and 2015. By adopting 100 percent smoke-free policies governments can denormalise smoking and turn youth away from tobacco and related products.

3. Adopt plain packaging and graphic health warnings

The tobacco industry uses sleek and attractive designs to market its dangerous products to young people. All tobacco products should therefore be subject to plain packaging and graphic health warnings so that their attractive packaging designs do not lead youth to underestimate the harm of using these products. Currently 125 countries require graphic images on the packaging of tobacco products. Countries like South Africa that rely on a text warning message are far behind the curve. Plain packaging on tobacco products has been adopted in 13 countries to date and, in January 2020, Israel became the first country to apply plain packaging to e-cigarettes.

4. Outlaw tobacco advertising, promotion and sponsorship

Traditional advertising and promotion of tobacco products has been banned in most parts of the world. But the tobacco industry has developed novel ways of keeping its products in the public eye.

Some common strategies used by the industry to target youth include hiring “influencers” to promote tobacco and nicotine products on social media, sponsoring events, and launching new flavours that are appealing to youth, such as bubble gum and cotton candy, which encourages young people to underestimate the potential harm of using them. Evidence also shows how the tobacco industry uses point-of-sale marketing to target children by encouraging vendors to position tobacco and related products near sweets, snacks and cooldrinks, especially in outlets close to schools.

Governments need to outlaw these tactics and impose hefty fines on tobacco companies that make any attempt to circumvent the law.

5. Educate young people

Given that tobacco kills half of its long-term users, the tobacco industry needs to get young people addicted to its products to ensure its survival. Young people need to be made aware of this. Governments should launch counter-advertising campaigns that educate young people on the tactics employed by the industry to target them so that they do not fall prey to them.

Source: iol

Source: iol